I Just Found Out My Fiancé Has Huge Credit
Card Debt He Didn’t Disclose; Do I Call Off the
Wedding?
Q. I just found out that my fiancé has credit card and other debt out the wazoo. We’ve been together for so long and I thought I knew everything about each other. Apparently…not so. What bothers me most is that he didn’t tell me: I found out because one of his bills found its way into my hands (he usually handles the bills) and I proceeded to ask a million and one questions of him. He said nothing until I confronted him. I don’t know if I can ever trust him again. Needless to say, I’m considering calling off the wedding.
A. Believe it or not, finances are one of the biggest issues challenging couples. This is, however, not just an issue of finances; it’s also an issue of trust, of disclosure. We all grow up with uniquely different perspectives on money and finances, often based largely on the ways in which our parents or early caretakers handled finances. And we usually have no idea of just how vast the impact that our philosophy and mentality about finances has on our lives.
It’s not just currency. It’s the symbolic currency of ideas and feelings involving safety, success, prestige, security, acceptance, love, and much, much more. And it’s different for everyone. Ask yourself what’s the most upsetting: is it the actual debt or is it the lack of disclosure of the debt? Regarding the former, have a frank discussion about the circumstances that led up to the acquisition of your fiancé’s debt. Try and identify your concerns/fears/worries that come up in this regard. Are you worried it will happen again in the future? Are you considered about your credit-worthiness as a couple? Are you afraid he will squander your mutual financial resources? Are you re-evaluating whether you see him as “responsible” in general – even in areas outside of finances?
Be honest and express your concerns to him; try to view them in the light of your present relationship and his present (meaning since you’ve known him) way of handling finances. Then ask yourself whether your fears are warranted or excessive under the present circumstances. Things do change. And people can change (especially if they are motivated and will-ing to do so).
On the latter issue involving disclosure, it’s important that you understand on an emotional level where he was coming from in keeping this information from you. I can totally understand your experience of betrayal. However, try as hard as you can to experience compassion and empathy for his perspective.
Try to put yourself in his shoes to see how it would have felt and what you would have done under his circumstances vis-à-vis disclosure. Perhaps you would have acted differently. Maybe not. In any event, can you at least understand why/how he (not you but he) acted as he did. This is what the challenge of validation is – allowing him the room for his emotional experience that led to the lack of disclosure.
It’s your choice, of course, as to whether to call the wedding off. But before you do anything rash, try to see the situation through is eyes. That is compassion. It will be one of many ongoing opportunities for you to truly “love” him, to extend yourself for him, and for you to learn to trust him again – if you so choose. You can choose to forgive him or you can choose not to. And, as A Course In Miracles teaches forgiveness is the way to truly love one another in this world. Please understand that I’m not defending your fiancé or implying that you should stay or not.
If he presently continues to behave in an untrustworthy manner in your eyes, it may not feel safe to stay. I am saying, however, that a shift in your perspective from anger and fear to love, understanding and acceptance may produce a radical shift in your emotional experience of him. At least give that a try and see where you are from that vantage point.
