Office in Weehawken in Hudson County, New Jersey 215-860-3770
Marriage Counseling & Relationship Coaching by Experienced, Licensed Psychotherapist and Coach
Most people call on a marriage counselor or coach only when a relationship crisis occurs. Others call on me to simply help them improve what they know is a valuable relationship. Others are seeking to address issues pro-actively, before they get married, or when conflicts arises. But for those who are in crisis in your marriage or relationship, there are five distinct categories of emotional symptoms that offer arise when a marriage or relationship is in trouble.
I am fully prepared to help you get through your current marriage crisis or to give you “refresher training” on how to live within a loving relationship. My starting point is my belief in marriage and in all forms of monogamous relationships. My first priority is to save your relationship and to establish a place of safety where real healing of your relationship can begin. During our sessions I will focus treatment on three entities: you, your partner and your marriage. In this way I address not just the issues in the marriage but also the two individuals. I find it necessary to work with all three entities to be successful. In my work with couples, I also rely heavily on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), one of the best documented, most substantive, and well-researched approaches to couple counseling in the world today, and one in which I completed an externship. Indeed, EFT, developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, stands as one of the best validated couples interventions in North America. Whereas other forms of couples counseling have been shown in studies to be only about 35 percent effective in healing relationships, EFT has achieved an astounding 75 percent success rate with couples. A full 86 percent of couples report feeling happier in their relationships as a result of EFT. And the results have been shown to be long-lasting. EFT is an experiential, emotion-based, now-oriented process of helping couples become closer. It provides a road map, based largely on attachment theory, of helping couples who are lost in a painful and often lonely cycle to learn and indeed experience a new and healthier dance -- or pattern -- of interaction. To learn more about healing marital or relationship issues, click here.
My video on "Peeling the Onion" demonstrates how couples can go beneath the surface of what many tend to find themselves "stuck" bickering or arguing about, to the "core" of 'what's really going on' emotionally. Click on the following to watch this video:
ARTICLE: Common Causes of Marital Discord -- including Infidelity -- and their Resolution
Although no two situations are alike, there are some common patterns that often result in marital conflict and sometimes in infidelity in a marriage or committed relationship. Note that they are not mutually exclusive. They are described below: Click on the following links to scroll down to the desired section: Anger or Resentment that's not Worked Through The experience of "boredom" in the relationship
The "Narcissistic" Personality For Unresolved Resentment, including following Infidelity: Identification and communication of feelings, "working through" the issues, followed by Unacknowledged or Unresolved Anger or Resentment Often major life events – such as the birth of a child or children, job or career changes, deaths of relatives, the purchase of a home, or a geographical move triggers the resentment which often is not identified, expressed, or resolved. This can happen in situations such as the following:
Other common roots of “hidden” resentments:
The Experience of “Boredom” in the Marriage The experience of “Boredom” in a marriage or committed relationship often reflects the lack of an “always-growing” level of emotional intimacy, comfort, a sense of being “known”, of feeling accepted, and of feeling loved in the relationship. This, in turn, may result from a number of factors including each partner’s self-esteem, the type of relationship each spouses’ parents had and modeled, and one's ability to feel and express emotional intimacy. Other factors that may contribute to a sense of “boredom” are:
Sex addiction may also stem from a family background where there was physical or emotional abandonment or neglect, or where physical, sexual, or emotional abuse was present. This often results in a lack of adequate bonding and a profound sense of isolation. Although the child may not be conscious of it, there may be a core feeling of loneliness for which the addictive behavior is unconsciously created to compensate. Thus, the addictive or compulsive behaviors become attempts to self-soothe which, over time, become neuronally imprinted in the brain. To learn more about sexual addiction and to identify its signs, click here. This may be related to a sense of "boredom", as noted above, but not necessarily. So many spouses reach a point – after some years -- where they feel that the so-called “spark” is gone. This is based upon the often false belief, in my view, that because one's physical or sexual attraction has lessened, one is no longer “in love” with their partner. This kind of thinking confuses what a long-term, loving marriage or partnership is all about. It confuses love, which is a decision and a commitment, with the feeling of physical and sexual attraction and lust, which most frequently diminishes over time for the vast majority of couples and which requires work to keep it fresh and exciting. Click on this link to read my magazine column on "The Spark is Gone". Also, free free to click on the following link to read my column on the difference between genuine love and the frequently fleeting feeling of being "in love." In his ground-breaking book, "The Road Less Traveled", M. Scott Peck had a great deal to say about this. This is a phenomenon that’s so common in our culture that it has been given a name. It is a phase-of-life crisis, based primarily on the fear of growing old or older and of being less attractive. However, it’s also usually rooted in self-esteem issues from childhood or adolescence. So many people are terrified of growing older and of losing their attractiveness, especially to potential mates. Oftentimes this fear is unconscious but its effects are no less real. This unconsciously prompts individuals to seek the approval of the opposite sex (for heterosexual couples). People affected by such fears may “innocently” flirt more, hoping to receive the sexual attention and admiration of others. Women with such insecurities may dress more provocatively than usual. Men may buy and flaunt expensive sports cars, change their dress or hair style to attract attention from younger women, etc. If these feelings are not made conscious and worked through, the married executive in his or her 40s, 50s, or even 30s may drink excessively on the “business trip” and may find ample opportunities for “cheating” behaviors. This is more likely to happen where there are unidentified and/or unresolved conflicts (such as are noted above). A Narcissistic Personality Style This refers to a spouse who is so excessively self-involved and ego-centric that he or she doesn’t seem to have any regard or compassion for the needs or desires of others, including those of his or her spouse or partner. There’s usually a total absence of guilt, remorse, or shame for unfaithful or inappropriate behavior in this type of individual. I teach "active listening" and good communication skills to couples and provide "homework" for them to hone those skills, holding them accountable, and standing by them as they do the work of learning how to communicate, and even to disagree, in a healthy way. THE ANTIDOTE: For Unresolved Resentment -- including following infidelity: The Identification and Communication of Feelings, followed by FORGIVENESS, the Work of both Spouses Conflicts in a relationship need first to be identified, or made conscious. One can't talk about feelings that one is not aware of having. Only then can they be discussed. Lastly, for the healing of such conflicts – including infidelity – and for getting the couple back on track, comes the work of forgiveness. Forgiveness Following an Infidelity Forgiveness is a delicate and critical process following a marital infidelity. Where there’s been infidelity, an important and seemingly universal factor is whether the “innocent” spouse feels ready, able, and is willing to trust the unfaithful spouse once again. The sense of betrayal usually involves both a) the actual infidelity; and b) the deceptions that are part-and-parcel of the unfaithful behaviors. The readiness, willingness, and ability of the “innocent spouse” to forgive the unfaithful spouse is often based on a number of factors, in addition to personality type, genetics, the emotional health and stability of such spouse, and the love, intimacy, and communication skills of the couple. The other factors are:
Other common themes that I see frequently and that are vital for the readiness and willingness of the “innocent” spouse to trust again, to “forgive” and to move forward in the marriage is a heartfelt and genuine experience by he or she that the unfaithful partner:
It’s also very important that the unfaithful spouse be able to forgive him or herself, which itself is based upon his or her self-esteem, sense of shame, emotional health, other personality and character traits, the health of the relationship, and many of the other relationship issues, including those noted above. Though this may sound surprising, it’s also important that the unfaithful spouse be willing to forgive the “innocent” spouse for what may feel like months or sometimes even years of what often feels like retribution and punishment by the innocent spouse in the form of pervasive verbal attacks, relentlessly at times rehashing the incidents, emotional withdrawal, and other behaviors resulting from the sense of betrayal, powerlessness, and rage usually following the disclosure of the infidelity. For the Addiction to Stimulation, Sex Addiction, the "Spark is Gone" Syndrome, the Mid-life Crisis", and the Narcissistic Personality Type: it is highly recommended that the couple explore obtaining help in the form of counseling, psychotherapy and/or relationship coaching, depending upon the specific distress, dysfunction, and/or addiction, in order to facilitate the emotional, spiritual and psychological healing of the individuals involved as well as of the couple.
Click here for information about Skype or phone coaching or psychotherapy. Sliding fees are available for those who can't afford my regular fees. I will work with you to come up with something affordable if I feel that I can help you. I try to turn no one away whom I feel that I can help.
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"My wife and I started seeing David to deal with some marriage difficulties. David didn't allow us to waste our time and money arguing over the petty details, but got right to the heart of the matter. He is an amazing listener and very empathic and perceptive to both points of view. He challenged us to take a look at ourselves objectively, even when at times it was hard to do so and it was from a view point that wasn't a judgment but an honest reflection. David is an old soul and has a rare and unique gift of blending the spiritual and the clinical, the caring shoulder to cry on and tough love when needed. If it hadn't been for his sessions, my wife and I would not have arrived at where we are now, both better people for it and we're now very happily married and our marriage is all that we always wanted it to be. Without David's help, our family wouldn't have healed and my wife and I wouldn't have welcomed the newest addition to our family, whom we gave the middle name "David"." ~ Andy W., Software Engineer
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