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I'm Riddled With Guilt at How I Spoke to My Ex

QUESTION: 

I am riddled with guilt because of how I dealt with my ex-husband the other day.  He treated me like crap the whole time we were together – which was about five years and now he keeps calling me, crying and complaining that his life is not the same and that he wants me back.  I’ve been rude and hard and really cruel to him, telling him that he deserves everything that he gets.  He was always self-centered and never focused on my needs.  Even when he calls me, it’s still all about him.  He doesn’t even ask me how I am.  Part of me feels justified in treating him badly but the other part of me feels like I am kicking him when he’s down and it’s not right.  I can’t seem to find peace with this.  

ANSWER:

It’s understandable that you feel an awful lot of anger towards your ex-husband although you didn’t say how long it is that you’re apart.  At some point, it behooves you to try to work out your anger so that you can let go of it.  If it’s been a significant period of time since the break-up – and that’s a personal issue as to how long that is – you may want to consider some type of personal coaching or therapy to help let go of your anger. 

       Anger is justified when we’ve been hurt; it usually masks the hurt.  The problem is that it’s like the hot potato.  Whoever ends up with the anger is holding the hot potato and it’s not something you wanna be holding:  it’s toxic; and it’s energetically, emotionally, and spiritually depleting.  It’s also not good for your physical health.  From his lack of interest and focus on you and your needs to this very day, it sounds like he hasn’t changed much.  That’s not your issue; it’s his.  When you’ve sufficiently worked out your anger towards your ex-husband, you’ll be on the road towards forgiveness.  This is something you may not want to hear right now.  But it’s vitally important for healing. 

       From the perspective of A Course In Miracles, the greatest way to know love in this ego and bodily-based physical world is to forgive.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you condone someone’s conduct or that you weren’t hurt or that you accept their behavior.  It does mean that you recognize that your ex-husband did the best he could WITH WHAT HE HAD TO WORK WITH.  Meaning that through his lens and mental status and perspective, he gave what he could or was able to.  That doesn’t mean that he was sufficiently loving or that he wasn’t selfish or narcissistic with you.  But it does mean that with whatever limitations he had/has, he gave/gives what he could/can.  And from this perspective, you CAN forgive (at some point).  You have the power to CHOOSE to do so.

       The other part of your challenge is to forgive YOURSELF for your anger, your judgment, and your words.  It’s hard to be loving and forgiving when you are feeling hurt.  And you are clearly still experiencing some degree of hurt related to your ex-husband.  Try not to kick yourself about that or about what you said to him.  You can’t take the words back.  What you can do, however, is to strive towards a level of acceptance of who he really is and, from that vantage point, treat him less harshly and maybe even with some degree of love or acceptance in the future.  If you struggle with doing that, you might want to limit contact between the two of you, telling him that you are too angry still to deal with him or talk to him.  It really doesn’t serve your highest good or his by speaking to him when you’re still in an emotional space of hurt and anger that you’re apparently still in.  Try some deep breathing or meditation to calm yourself when you feel yourself getting upset.  And try not to talk to people who push your buttons (like your ex-husband) at all, if possible.  If that’s not possible, try to center yourself (which raises your vibration) before you have a conversation with people who are likely to upset you.